I’ve been back in this country for almost two months, and to be completely honest, adjusting to this new life has been much more difficult than I imagined. I find myself wishing, all too often, that I could turn the clock back and relive just one more precious day in Tel Aviv. Things were in a state of temporary bliss; I was never without love or laughter. I knew it would have to end eventually, but the crash after the high has been devastating.

The hardest part about being back in the real world is the concept of normalcy– There just isn’t any. I’ve been hell-bent on trying to return my life to some semblance of its previous state, but the ‘normal’ I was so familiar with no longer exists. For now, ‘normal’ is a state of discomfort. One of my goals in Israel was to become comfortable with being uncomfortable, and I had definitely made progress on that, but this is a whole new battle, and I have a long road ahead of me to actually achieving that goal.

So now what?

All I’ve been able to do is take one day at a time. If I look any further ahead, the world closes in and its overwhelming. I find myself in a space where any possibility is open to me, but that in itself is a problem. I fear that somewhere along the line, I’ve lost sight of the things that I want out of life, or maybe I just never even formed any of my own goals in the first place. I’ve let life do the guiding this far, and now that its my turn to take the reins, its terrifying. I just don’t want to fall back into the same place I was in before. I want to grow. I want to make the most out of life. I want to learn to find happiness in myself instead of relying on the company of others. But– I’m not quite sure how to make it all happen.

The only thing I could come up with so far is to start doing things that I enjoy outside of working. So now, for my own reference, and maybe anyone reading can hold me accountable too, here is a list of the things that I want to do:

• Learn guitar (which would require me to actually buy a guitar)
• Start writing again
• Keep a sketchbook, and use it at least a few times a week
• Train for another half-marathon
• Start cooking again
• Take up a new outdoor hobby (I’ve been dying to try paddle boarding)
• Travel around the U.S. and actually visit my friends when I say I will (I’m actually making good on this one!)
• Take a trip somewhere by myself
• Learn patience (Perhaps this one is the most important right now)

This will definitely be a longer and more specific list eventually, but its a start, and it makes me feel a little better getting this down in writing. I guess this is what they call “finding yourself”. Now that I’ve gotten good and lost, I don’t really have a choice.

So to anyone who’s ever found themselves completely lost, what was it that finally helped steer you in the right direction?